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SAN ANTONIO, TX – In a heated press conference held on the steps of City Hall, local officials expressed their dismay at the state’s decision to eliminate mandatory vehicle inspections, with several leaders questioning the wisdom of entrusting vehicle maintenance to “citizens who consider a broken washing machine an acceptable lawn ornament.”
“Have you seen some of these neighborhoods?” asked City Councilman Richard Finesworth, gesturing dramatically toward the south side. “These people think a blue tarp is an acceptable roof replacement. And now we’re supposed to believe they’ll voluntarily maintain their vehicles’ emission systems?”
The new county-level emissions testing program comes as a response to what officials call “an alarming trust in personal responsibility” from the state legislature. Commissioner Eleanor Whitworth noted that “Next thing you know, they’ll be suggesting people can decide for themselves when their Christmas decorations should come down. We simply cannot have that level of chaos.”
“I drove past a house yesterday with three generations of Chevrolets decomposing in the front yard,” stated Environmental Committee Chair Thomas Wellington III, while adjusting his bow tie. “The oldest one had actually developed its own ecosystem. And these are the people we’re entrusting with environmental stewardship?”
The county’s new emissions testing program will be implemented alongside a comprehensive study on the correlation between the number of vehicles on concrete blocks in a front yard and their owners’ commitment to environmental protection.
At press time, several council members were drafting a strongly-worded letter to the state legislature, written on recycled paper made from citations previously issued for improper lawn ornament placement.
